Breakthrough Personal & Professional Development Inc. owner, Bonita Eby, was a featured guest on the Balance + Bliss Podcast. This article summarizes a portion of that interview. Click to listen to the full podcast, Episode 95: Stress, Burnout, and setting healthy boundaries with Bonita Eby.
What are boundaries & why do we need them?
Bonita: A boundary is anything you put around you to positively self-protect. Anything that indicates "this is where I begin, where I end, and where I'm comfortable with you coming in" is a boundary.
Various cultures will have distinct boundaries, just like different families will have distinctive boundaries. Our family of origin is often where we learn boundaries, or lack of boundaries, and where many of our boundary issues arise.
How does a lack of work-related boundaries affect families?
Career choices can also influence our boundaries. For instance, many health care professionals have been trained not to respect their own limitations. There’s this belief that because people need you, you have to step up, and it doesn't matter about your health. This can lead to an incredible amount of guilt and shame.
Even within the family space, people experience shame and guilt when unable to give what they believe they should be able to. We need to have our tanks filled up so we can provide, not the other way around. If we're depleted, we have nothing left to give. And frankly, when we're talking about burnout, that's when people reach out for help. They rarely come to me because the workload is too heavy. They do whatever they can to get through. They only talk about the workload after they get to the place where they can admit they have nothing left for their family or friends. When they are so depleted, they fear losing their family because they’re giving everything to their job. At the end of the day, they have nothing left for their family and friends.
What are some tips for establishing boundaries?
Host: I can relate to that on a lot of levels. I think everyone can. What are some tips for someone who recognizes they need to establish boundaries?
Bonita: One of the boundary-making exercises I like to do with clients is called My Inner Circle, which helps specify who is in their inner, middle and outer circle so they can make healthy boundaries. Let's walk through it.
Inner circle
The inner circle includes the people who mean the absolute most. For me, that's my husband, my parents and my siblings.
Middle circle
The middle circle usually consists of our closest friends. Perhaps our extended family. Sometimes work colleagues whom we enjoy being with go in there.
Outer circle
The outer circle includes everyone else, and that's a lot of people. This consists of the boss, our friends, family and colleagues not within the innermost circles.
Learn about our Healthy Boundaries Workshop.
How do boundaries differ for people working in purpose-driven organizations?
Bonita: Workplace boundaries can be tricky, in particular within purpose-driven organizations. Lots of nonprofits and even some for-profit organizations would consider themselves purpose-driven. These companies do incredible work, and people within these companies tend to put their heart into their work, which is wonderful, but sometimes it’s too much. It's more than a paycheque; it's about changing lives and helping people.
Early in my previous purpose-driven career, I mistakenly believed that the people I served belonged in my inner circle. However, that inner circle is tiny, so the people who meant the most to me got squeezed out into the middle circle.
Unfortunately, for many people, whoever happens to be on the other end of their phone becomes their inner circle. Whether it's a social media notification, text, phone, you name it, whoever is reaching out at that moment becomes part of the inner circle. And it's breaking them.
We’re all trying to be so many things to too many people. And again, this can lead us into the position where we don't have anything left for ourselves and those we love.
How do boundaries relate to our mission, vision & values?
Bonita: When working with organizations, we talk a lot about their mission, vision and values, especially in terms of employee burnout. When it comes to individuals, we all have a personal mission, vision and values, whether we're aware of them or not. It’s the grid in which we make decisions. It’s worth the time to hammer out.
Questions to ask include,
What am I about?
What is my identity?
Why am I on this earth?
How do I want to touch other people's lives?
What legacy do I want to leave?
We're not talking about big cars and heaps of money here; we're talking about something much more significant. When you explore meaningful questions like these, you can objectively evaluate when someone requests something of you and respond authentically.
Some helpful evaluative questions include:
Is this request aligned with my personal mission and vision values?
Does it contribute to my life’s purpose?
Sometimes, people feel that having a personal mission, vision, and values is selfish, but it doesn't have to be. For instance, part of my mission, vision and values is around being a good neighbour. If one of my neighbours needs help, I want to be there for them. So I will say no to certain things in order to help a neighbour. Likewise, your values don't have to be selfish either. Knowing who you are and fostering awareness of your big picture can guide your life and help you implement healthy boundaries.
Host: One of the best things we can do is take time to reflect on what we value. What do I want my life to look like? The problem is we're all moving 100 miles an hour, but it helps to pause.
How to set realistic boundaries around technology
Host: Let’s talk about boundaries around technology and social media because sometimes we allow whoever is on our social media to enter our inner circle. That can contribute to a lot of extra stress and burnout. So how do we set simple boundaries around our technology?
Learn how stress and burnout affect your health.
The brain on technology
Bonita: Let’s start with why and then talk about how. We've all heard the need to shut off our phones, but why does it matter? Neurologically, it changes everything.
Let’s make this simplistic. Inside the brain are two significant areas. We've got the brainstem, and we've got the frontal lobe. The brainstem is all about survival. Even reptiles have this part of our brain. Then we have the frontal lobe at the front top of our brain and below our forehead. It allows us to engage our executive thinking, higher functioning, problem-solving and empathy.
When we experience stress, a part of our brainstem called the amygdala is triggered. When the amygdala is activated, it sends us into a fight, flight or freeze response, otherwise known as the stress response. In addition, it causes a whole cascade of hormonal and chemical changes in our bodies. But for now, let's stay in our heads.
The amygdala in our brainstem, when triggered by stress, hijacks our frontal lobe. That means we can no longer think at our best. We cannot make decisions coherently. We cannot empathize with others because all our brain wants to do is get us to safety.
Learn more about how stress affects our brain & mental health.
Fight, flight or freeze stress responses
Here's why this matters. Every time a notification goes off on your phone, it triggers the amygdala. The fight, flight or freeze response is meant to be activated when we are in critical danger or when our lives are at stake. For instance, when a bear is chasing us, or a car suddenly crosses onto the sidewalk where we are walking. These are the things that fight, flight or freeze is designed for. Unfortunately, our tech notifications cause us to experience fight, flight or freeze responses multiple times an hour. As a result, we have become proficient at ignoring our stress-cycle warning signs and not dealing with the stress.
Every time one of our notification sounds goes off from a text message or social media, it triggers the fight, flight or freeze response. And on top of that, another system I won't get into here triggers a dopamine response, which is all about addiction. When we have that triggering situation of the amygdala, we want to pick up the phone and look at it because it relieves us. So we get a dopamine hit, no different than with any addiction. So now it's even more challenging to say no. It is a vicious cycle.
It will do a world of good if people install boundaries to shut off their notifications during certain hours of their day. One of the ways I manage this is by using the favourites setting in my phone, so when my phone is on silent, only my favourites can call through.
Host: We don't have to answer everything immediately, but we've been conditioned to believe we must receive those notifications. I keep my phone silent because I don't want to hear the dings. We can decrease our daily stress by setting that simple boundary.
About the author
Bonita Eby is a Burnout Prevention & Organizational Culture Consultant, Executive Coach, and owner of Breakthrough Personal & Professional Development Inc., specializing in burnout prevention and wellness for organizations and individuals. Bonita is on a mission to end burnout. Get your free Burnout Assessment today.