How To Say No
Time
Time is a precious commodity. I had spent too much time focusing on people’s theories and hypotheses about the 168 hours a week available to us all. I became incredibly efficient and effective, always striving, always finding ways to squeeze one more activity, and one more responsibility into a day.
We all decide where our time goes. There is freedom in that, and a considerable amount of responsibility. Unfortunately, I focused almost entirely on the responsibility part and nearly none on liberty. I understood responsibility as complete selflessness, with no regard for one’s self. I did not yet understand that freely taking care of myself would have produced increased capacity for duties in the long run.
Pause
I learned over time, to pause before making decisions. There is a space, a measure of time, between a request and a required response. It can be as little as a millisecond or as long as required. Never before had I been aware of this critical gap. When asked to do something, I practiced thanking the asker and letting them know I would get back to them within a period of time. At first, this took some people by surprise as they had not witnessed boundary-making before, and they liked boundary-less Bonita. Others respected my decisions and willingly received both my time to discern and the possibility of decline. These were the people on whom I chose to focus.
At first, getting back to people later, rather than giving an immediate yes, caused a feeling of desolation experienced as guilt, failure, and incredibly heavy pressure to say yes. People-pleasing had become so normative that anything but yes created a sense of misery, fretfulness, and unease.
Method
I learned to make distinctions based on who made requests. My reasoning went something like this:
Identify the people in my inner circle, including my spouse, immediate family, and friends. Disappoint these people as rarely as possible.
Recognize my extended family and friends are not within that essential core. Be willing to say no more often, and even disappoint them at times.
Categorize everyone else, like colleagues, boss, and people I know but not well, to the outer rim. Become comfortable with disappointing this most extensive group of people who should not get my unflagging dedication.
Saying no became empowering. Permitting myself to decline was liberating, and once I started, I looked for opportunities to gain confidence.
Your Turn
This week, take time to determine your inner circle, the next circle that encompasses friends and extended family, and your outer core.